Still Looking For That One Person Who Can Change Your Life?
Take A Look In The Mirror
This blog post is a copy-paste of a beautiful friends facebook post from a private group. I’ve changed any identifiable situations so that it stays private. Yet her message is something that really might help many of you reading this ‘watch your back’ so-to-speak when it comes to TAKING the time that you desperately need.
Gender roles in relationships are pretty engrained sometimes and it can be hard to get out of the expectations that family life puts upon us. Decluttering and bringing clarity into how we really want to spend our life minutes and care for ourselves in the process is an essential part of growing into the wise woman that we all strive to be.
Many thanks to my friend for allowing me to share.
Rant warning. Service roles and playing small.
No, I’m not talking waitressing.
I’m talking about the gendered roles of women in the home, in the workplace, in friendship groups.
In my experience, taking on a service role – or subscribing to it when one is assumed of you – is a brilliant way to ensure you’ve never got an ounce of fucking energy or time left to get on with IT and to SHINE at your Thing. It is such an easy, safe and accepted way to play small.
I’ve also found it incredibly hard to fight against, as I’ve grown up watching gendered roles – it’s ingrained in those around me, making it an generically accepted reality.
Also. I’m a mum.
I’ve got three gorgeous little humans that need my love, support, nurture, feeding, cleaning etc etc…..and I love those little humans and I want more than the best for them.
But what about me? About my needs?
I’ve been cranky, I’ve been resentful and I’ve been angry that seldom have they been anticipated, asked about, considered, or made room for, yet I am expected to consider theirs without question. Except for rare moments, such as my birthday. However mine coincides with the rodeo up north…so you can guess where we typically end up.
Anyway. I’ve decided that NO-ONE ELSE IS GOING TO MEET MY NEEDS, OR PRIORITIZE MY DREAMS.
So I need to identify my needs, and meet them.
I need to dream my dreams vividly, and make the steps that will bring them into reality my priorities.
And, truly, it’s not up to them. It’s my life after all.
I’ve been consciously making changes that allow this approach to gradually permeate my life.
This is what my quiet rebellion looks like:
Easy stuff at home: choosing the chores that no one else will do and NOT TOUCHING the stuff that can be helped with. In my place, that’s leaving the cooking up to hubby when he’s home, and instead of doing dishes, ducking out to the laundry to manage washing. I no longer take up my time taking his beer bottles for recycling. I didn’t drink them!
I refuse to mow the lawns, or deal with the pool chemicals.
I will not iron. I make sure he takes the kids to their sports when he is home. I will let the washing pile up in the lounge till there is nowhere to sit if no one chooses to help fold it.
This gives me time…
The first retreat I wanted to go was last August. I asked hubby, and he said the timing might be tricky, I’ll get back to you.
And so I waited, and then missed out on the spot I had been offered. I was devastated. The second retreat was in feb of this year. We talked, and I made arrangements for his parents to come and stay and help with the kids (!!).
This time, I simply said “I’m going on retreat in November, you need to organize your roster to be home”. And that was pretty much it.
The other day I walked in the house, ignored the dirty dishes, the washing and the other jobs, and sat right down and wrote. It felt brilliant!!!
I’m going to sell the kids playground that they’ve grown out of in the front yard, and buy a small bistro table and chairs to enjoy a cup of t tea at, across from the nature reserve.
We would usually sit out the back of the house, but unfortunately hubby doesn’t clean up his beer and bbq mess enough for my taste – and I am no longer even entertaining the idea of doing it for him.
Small things, tiny insignificant changes that are adding up, just like taking this small chunk of time to write.
Truly the hardest change has been in my head.